Rama

The perfect man is loyal,

Never cruel or mean.

He's completely honest,

And he always thinks you're lean.

He helps old people across the road

In him you can always confide.

As for reciprocating trust, well,

There's nothing he'll ever hide.

The perfect man loves children,

He doesn't mind their snot and goo.

He'll do everything it takes to prove

He's hopelessly in love with you.

He would never make you cry

Or fight for longer than a day...

Bloody hell with this rotten poem

The perfect man is CLEARLY gay.

God's In His Heaven

Okay, I know I've made rational speeches before, but forget them all, because yes, yes, yes, I DO believe in love at first sight and I've flipped harder than I've ever flipped for anyone ever before! My heart literally filled up till it burst out my body and soared away into the stratosphere - oh God, that smile!!!! I'd do anything to see that smile!! And when a warm hand latched onto my foot, by God all I wanted to do was stop in the road and hug the little schmudlum while 'Happily ever after' played in the background!! I've never exclamated this much about anyone in my life - but sigh - I'm so completely in love, I can barely put a sentence together, let alone a paragraph.

I've wanted to kidnap every kid I ever see, but this one - ah, she practically kidnapped me. In vain did I point her home and go 'Mummy ke paas nahi jaana aapko?,' she just grinned up at me and giggled an angel's giggle running down the road and gesturing 'Chalo, chalo!' hands on hips, knowing I was entirely her slave already. In vain did Tulsi tell me I didn't have a house, let alone place to keep a child - the kid and I were already acting like lovesick don't-separate-us types.

When her mom finally caught up with us three roads later, the kid chortled and pointed at us while her mom gave us strange looks. 'Woh vaapas nahi ja rahi thi,' I tried telling her, but given the adoration in my eye, I doubt she believed me. She said bye with so much joy, all the while refusing to move, my heart broke in a zillion pieces. I'm still totally grinning and I told Tulsi two second later, 'I miss her!'

This is one time I'll happily become a lovestruck stalker. 

Wanted

Much as I can never get out of any closet, particularly one with incredible clothes, I've to admit it - I'm gay, I like men.* In fact, hell, I don't understand straight men, particularly those that say they love women and will do anything to make them happy. I'll say one thing; they've a lot more patience than I do. Which brings me to my favourite funny from this week.

Why are lesbian relationships so complicated?

'Cos even women don't know what we want!**

I was asking Smruthi today and being the wise little oomphudum she is, she said with sage-like composure and no hesitation at all that what we wanted was attention. I was all, 'Oh my God, you're so wise, marry me!' before I realized wait.... there's no challenge there at all!

Then I heaved a giant sigh for the brave souls that come my way. All I know is what I don't want. Hands up, who knows what they do?

*Oh hey, free plug, Chennai Pride 2009. Apparently homosexuality isn't entirely abacharam anymore, Shiva Shiva. I hope you got the Shiva Shiva pun. If not, I can elaborate, in graphic detail. Ping me ;)

**Bet you wish that funny poll to the side of my blog wasn't closed now. 

Thank God it's Friday!

Ei so much I wanted to write about ya. But meanwhile, hehehe, this made me giggle, so here it is. Sauce and.... paneer pakkoda I think. Or potato wedges. Picture captured by a drunk Mellu and made near human again by my expert photo-editing skills.

I decided I like the blurrrrr heart better than a perfect heart so I let the wrrrshtoo effect stay. Ok, that's all folks! 

Pakao II

I'm ignoring work and all to post this subah subah for bebbis. I lurve you way too much, babe.

See what they mean about Scorpios cooking for cameras? If anyone suggests it's Google Image Searched, I'll find the bowl (still at more or less 3 degrees mind you) and chuck it at your head.

Pakao!

From Ocean Park manchurian on Saturday to climaxing over a rooftop momos-and-pakoda dinner Sunday, dinner out Monday and Tuesday and cooking desserts Wednesday, this week's been an unexpectedly orgasmic culinary experience. No faking. Which leads me, inevitably, to this highly scientific bunch of insights on zodiac cooking.

Capricorn: Capricorns cook like cavemen, basic, wholesome, food that does the trick. With typical chauvinism, the men find it a novelty, but stick to salads (and thank God for that). 

Pisces: With their unending capacity to surprise, Pisceans put all they don't put in their relationships into the food they create. A Piscean cooking for you practically amounts to foreplay.

Aries: Aries cook like roadside vendors, exciting but not exotic, and stuff you'd always want to eat - though they rarely offer unless you're on the road with them. Rite of passage.

Taureans: Incredibly comforting sickbed food, Taureans really know how to cook like assistant chefs - chef food being arrogant and showy, assistant chef's food is always the actual best.

Gemini: How can I put this. Better left ordered in. They don't enjoy cooking except once in a rare while, and it shows.

Cancer: Ah, when Cancerians cook, they probably guilt the onion into crying. Food served by them is a martyred affair that quite kills any potential enjoyment from the food itself, much as they'd like to think they're good cooks.

Leo: I adore Leo cooking. It's such an unexpected thing for them to do well, and it's an immense high having a Leo deign to cook for you.

Virgo: Virgos all cook like mommies. It's the best food in the world and to a Virgo, what matters is that you enjoy their food, so you can pretty much call it the way you want it and slurp your way to their proud epiphany.

Libra: Librans cook like Gandhiji only, Dandi. And you'd better hope they don't accidentally knick themselves with the kitchen knife or that's the last you'll see of that meal.

Scorpio: Scorpios cook like they're being taped for some exclusive cooking show. Frankly, for us, the process ends when the food's served, not when we've burped over it.

Saggitarius: Very self-sufficient cooking. They cook like their bloody faces, like it or leave it, and usually, it's really tempting to just leave it 'cos it's stuff only they'd eat. 

PS: My mom's a Virgo and my brother's a Taurean. Plus, I live with a Leo :)

Once upon a time

Men & Their Balls

All these years, feminists have thought sex was all there was on men's minds - but recent trends suggest to me their obsession isn't with sex, but with balls. I mean, where in the world would you find women huddling together to watch other women run aimlessly up and down giant fields with sundry miscellaneous equipment designed to better facilitate the movement of their, cough, balls? And yet, we see this actually constitutes entertainment in a man's world.

Throwing them through hoops, kicking them into goals, hitting them into wickets... we thought it was Freudian, all this, but what if the converse is true? I haven't a skirt short enough to prove it at the moment given how much weight (I think or otherwise) I've put on, but I do believe if it was a choice between their balls seeing some action and watching other men's balls on action on screen, I'd have more chance of being laid by a straight nun past menopause, short skirt or no short skirt.

Famines and droughts wiped out civilizations, IPL may just end ours if men can't take their eyes off the screen long enough to dutifully procreate.

Come back

Mama Me-a?

Have you noticed married women are more annoying than single women? See, they know they don't get to randomly hit on everyone anymore, and all that built up sexual tension gets them randy enough to jump their man till they get pregnant - and when they have kids, duuude, forget about it, they just metamorphise into shrill whiney screechy monsters who're pissed at the world because they can't erase the stretch marks away.

Plus, now that they've an excuse for all the weight they can put on, they just become bitchier than ever, while society says, 'Yeah, okay, they just pushed something the size of Akshaya's mouth out their vaginas' (now there's a pretty image) so they don't just lock them away in a sanotarium where they probably belong since they're clearly not contributing to society meaningfully being far too decibally strengthened.

Case in point: Jahangir. He married thousands of women and they all gave him kids. Then he married Mehrunissa Aunty, and fell in love - 'cos she just refused to give birth to his kids! It must have been a fun game 'Whee, stick in, stick out, anything popping out of you? No? Try again!' Just like a kid with a debit card but no pin number at an ATM. 

Now that I've been my usual chauvinist sexist self, a nod towards feminism - whether they're banging their husbands or ejecting their sons, women, poor dears, are probably just thinking, 'God, get that pokey thing the fuck out of me!'

Battling the Zodiac: Scorpio Style

When you fight with a Capricorn:

Capricorn: You have done more than enough damage to my ego, I think. I shall just leave.

(A minute passes.)

Scorpio: Jaan, if you wanna block me, you should block me across all your messengers or it won't be any use telling me you've left.

When you fight with a Piscean:

Pisces: You're... you're such a... tease! And a motherly figure! You just like provoke men and then you... you baby them! And then you just ignore them 'cos you've never taken any notice of ANYone but yourself, you're a self-contained frigid bitch.

Scorpio: Ok, how can I POSSIBLY be all of that together child? Do you want to pick one?

Pisces then proceeded to - I kid you not - twist my hand and sprain it. 

When you fight with an Arian:

Scorpio: I hate you! Just, like, go away and never come back.

Aries: Okay, take care. Oh, and for how long shall I stay away?

When you fight with a Taurean:

Taurus: You think I'm bullheaded? You're a frikkin insect!

Scorpio: Lol. Chillax.

Taurus: You suck man.

Taurean freezes Scorpio out for a maximum of two days.

Taurus: Ok man I fucked up. Pissed?

Scorpio: Now I am.

Taurus: C'mon babe, don't be like that. I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, I suck.

When you fight with a Cancerian:

Cancer: Hi! What's new.

Scorpio: Not much man, life's fairly boring. Oh but I got a new (proceeds to talk for half an hour interrupted by sniffs and sighs). So sup!

Cancer: (Hearty sniff) You never tell me anything!

Scorpio: What? But, I... okay, let me think. Meanwhile, how are you?

Cancer: (in tones of great joy) Hurt! And sick! And I'm always the only one thinking about our relationship!

(Next day)

Cancer: Isn't it great how we never fight no matter what? Let's always stay this way!

When you fight with a Virgo:

Virgo: Ok, I'm off, byeeee.

Scorpio: You're done being pissed at me kya?

Virgo: No time now. Bye.

When you fight with a Saggitarian:

Saggi: (Insert deeply libelous thought that makes Scorpio wail her eyes out)

Saggi: Awww, you know I love you. I was just kidding. Come here.

Scorpio: Right. (Giggles). You love me.

Saggi: You're always like this!! Everything's just a joke to you!

I don't have memorable fights with the remaining signs.