Too Much Time, Too Little TMI

For those of you blinking at your Readers wondering if this is a bot-generated post since I never manage to find time to write two times in a week (without being seriously depressed anyway) – I’m just practicing for when I don’t have a job ok :) Moving on, I know I’ve conveniently ignored TMI Thursdays for a while now, so here’s 4 weeks’ worth (warning: will scar you for life) (plus also, you’re welcome):

Closure. Everyone wants it. But how do you get it? Well I thought the following would achieve it:

• Call Vodafone and get them to block person’s number. Delete number and texts from the number. Then, just to be on the safer side, get a new number :P
• Delete all chats, emails, and notifications to and from the person. On all your email addresses and messenger lists. Of which, btw, I have many.
• Set up an email filter to send all the person’s emails to spam, set spam filters to auto-delete.

… And I realize now that it should’ve stopped with just 3 steps, but back then, what I also did was delete my Google account, blog included. So there I am a year ago, all closured out; except for one teeny tiny little HUGE problem. My PMS alerts go to that inbox. And why do I need to know if I’m PMS’ing? I mean it’s not like I need to time when I’m getting laid so I don’t lay my own. Because I’m not getting any. So isn’t it enough to look down every so often and go “Oh, right, hi?” Fair point, but… no. Just no.

See, I need to know if I’m being irrational of my own accord or if it’s some greater power driving the irrationality. I need to realize I’m going to be majorly pissed off at everything so I know I don’t REALLY mean it. My PMS alerts put my life in perspective. Without them, I’m just crabby all MONTH around.

Anyway, as you all know, scary story ends happily; Abhijeet rescued my Gmail account literally in the nick of time (hurray for working at Google), the closured boy was dis-closured; peace to all on Earth and suchlike. But here’s the funny part.

One. I don’t actually remember why I was pissed enough to do all this drama. All I remember from this life-changing period (no pun intended) was not knowing when I’d get it. And yes baba, I do know I can just count, but NO.

Second. My cycle’s changed since and that alert’s of no use to me whatsoever. And I know I can reset it, but mehhh. I think I get phantom PMS on that cycle, which the alert is still good for. I'm tempted to go back and count how much of this counted as TMI, but I don't think even I want to re-read this traumatic entry. So bye.

Offline

Given I've the world's shortest temper ever, it goes without saying that I frequently find myself blocking people on instant messengers. Over the years, I've realized there are 3 main categories of block-heads:

1. The Homicidal Maniac: Plunge in an axe, run them over, a tree falls on them; and yet, there they are in front of you when you turn around... peekaboo! This one resumes exactly where they stopped talking when you last blocked them... forty thousand years ago.

2. Ghajini-Block: These are the people you block outta sheer boredom, and then forget you blocked them because they weren't interesting enough to agonize over their loss anyway. A few months later you realize they haven't pinged you in a while, and then you realize it's 'cos you blocked them. Erm.

3. Block-Buster: These are the people you block and unblock depending on perceived and unperceived slights; so much so you've to actually go over and let them know they're now being blocked. Or reverse. And repeat.

In other news, I've 27 working days left at my workplace; and 35 vacation days I can't even go back in time to use. FML.

The Marriage Series - II

Me: What's with the questions, can you make coffee... Who only can't make? It's like a basic test of cognitive ability or something.

Arun: Sarcasm detector status: not available. I can't.

Me: No, you don't. And neither do I. But as for the capacity to follow 3 simple steps without having a heart attack... I do believe that if we can remember to breathe in and out and put left foot before right foot, it's not that unimaginably obscure to imagine we could conceivably make coffee. No?

(Pssst: Arun is very single, very available, and even if I only say it because he's my manager, rather cute. If you'd like to hit on him, I suggest praising his blog whilst holding up a signboard that says 'I'm hitting on you' in size 72 font. That should do it.)

The Marriage Series - I

"Do you sing?"

Each morning as I wake up and practically non-stop afterwards, I find dulcet rhythms chiming from within my very soul and myriad reasons to joyously burst forth into song. Don't we all? Life is a gay musical. Hit it baby. Paaaaaa-papa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. Just a spoonful of sugar, makes the medicine go down...

I fail to understand though how this affects my childbearing skills or your culinary wellbeing. So. The only conceivable way in which this question is reasonable is if you were worried I'd burst into song without forewarning. In which case, well DONE you. We're gonna make the world's cleverest children.

Fucking Bees

Straight guys want to discuss women, lesbians want to discuss women - well duh. Straight women want to discuss women - little more obscure, but okay, you get it; we're bitchy. But when even your gay friends decide it's fun discussing women - well it just makes you realize maybe you need to spend some time praising some men for a change.

A friend and I tried our very coherent best to discuss guys today, we even set it down as an agenda item for conversation and everything. Then we realized the more we discussed them, the less interested we were in discussing anything, because you know what? It's frustrating and futile and downright depressing discussing that godforsaken sub-species and nothing good can ever come out of it.

You do them, and you're done with them. And yes, I'm pissed at someone specific and it's not all of mankind's fault. But that's not new is it? And this isn't therapy space to make anyone but me feel good right? So yeah, I will generalize and stereotype to great God's glory, thxbai and up life's.

Tag, I'm It.

1. I’ve come to realize that my chest-size… has expanded thanks to the weight gain. Lose weight, lose boobs. Tough call.

2. I’ve come to realize that my job… is going to make me very happy in a month.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving… people get the hell out of the way, or I help them find their way to hell.

4. I’ve come to realize that I hate… loud anything. I watch the TV at volume one. I hear 'normal' volume is 6. Argh.

5. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk… I'm a lot more sober than when I'm sober, usually.

6. I’ve come to realize that money… doesn't make for happiness, but it closely imitates it.

7. I’ve come to realize that certain people… should probably thank their lucky stars they're remembering to breathe in and out without choking, 'cos they're that dumb.

8. I’ve come to realize that my sibling… is braver than I am. But I'm trying.

9. I’ve come to realize that my mom… is my hero.

10. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone… should be given away before I lose it.

11. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning… I shouldn't have downloaded the alarm app that needed me to solve sums and anagrams before it would shut the hell up.

12. I’ve come to realize that my first love is… probably going to be redundant by the time I reach my last.

13. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking about… how I've done no work all day.

14. I’ve come to realize that my dad… is gonna make it very hard for me to find any man worth marrying after seeing his fine example.

15. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook… I stalkz. Heh.

16. I’ve come to realize that today… I really really want to hear from someone.

17. I’ve come to realize that my best friend(s)… give Naukri.com a SERIOUS run for their money. I love you guys ya!!

18. I’ve come to realize that my spouse… dot dot dot indeed.

19. I’ve come to realize that I really want to do… that thing I want to hear about.

20. I’ve come to realize that life… goes by easier when you're doing something instead of working at something.

21. I’ve come to realize that this weekend… will be full of kids, yay!!!

22. I’ve come to realize that next weekend… is when my mommy and Kavya are over, double yay!!

23. I’ve come to realize that my children… are going to get a stay-at-home mom, yay for the rest of my life!

24. I’ve come to realize that when life gives you lemons… you get out the tequila?