The One Where I Pimp The Other Blog

I just spent an enjoyable ten minutes going 'Beep beep beep yourself, f-tard,' at my induction stove. I had the last beep but it won't cook my potato so I think we're even. I'm just grateful it didn't pull this stunt day before when I executed the now infamous monthiversary dinner (and served it in a sari while talking about his career - am I the aadarsh bharatiya naari or what).

Speaking of - see how I slipped it in there? - it's been a month! We were originally meant to get married yesterday, and while that would have meant more people could have made it, what a complete waste of a month that would have been. Read my Husbandly Histrionics blog for the quotable highlights. 

An excerpt just so you know it's worth your time (and also appreciate what I live with all the time :): 

Him 

(in response to ShitMyHusbandSays.Wordpress.com): 

Look at his ability to drive that woman nuts...with one statement. It's awesome!

Epic Wins

In your face, rest of the world, I am the luckiest person alive. Bar NONE. I've the best job in the world, a huge house to play with, and as for the husband... well. Who ELSE has a husband who sits in the loo with you while you're seasick? Who else thinks of booking a helicopter (a frikkin HELICOPTER) so you don't have to get on another ferry? Who else pays for two hotels on two different islands just because you're too sick to contemplate traveling again and have to cancel on one? 

Dude. I so win at life.

PS: I highly recommend Seychelles to anyone looking for a vacation... mountains, oceans, jungles, all in one, with the most chilled out laid back people ever. And music so great you have to dance.

Tally

The husband leaves shirts lying around and bedsheets rumpled up... me, I keep even my clothes-to-wash folded up in separate piles. On the other hand, he makes notes and then notes-on-notes and finally notes-on-notes-on-notes for EVERYTHING, while I'm more of an I'm going to think out loud once I get to the store type person. As for food, you can practically sing-song 'Jeera rice daal fry' with him while I take particular pride in being unpredictable and experimentative. Seriously, I order the daal with red wine in it.

In short, he's twenty eight and I'm twenty four and life is hilarious. My only point of contention thus far is that he's left me all alone at home with a giant Toblerone bar (AND it's FRUIT N NUT) which is just grossly unfair. His only grouse could well be my blanket-hogging, but when he switches off the fan, my victory's obsolete, so whatever.

This really is peace on earth after all the wedding madness. May I suggest always always marrying someone you're madly in love with? There's no easier way to survive the event.

PS: I see a lucrative career ahead for post-marriage-sorter-out'ers, they'd make more than wedding planners if only they'd take care of all the packing, unpacking, shopping, reshopping, etc. You heard it here first.

Jitters

Okay, I know I've been married two weeks, but NOW is when the excited-panic mode really sets in. Today's it - my last day in my little one-bedroom place in Chennai and I'm freaaaaking out. I've no issues committing to one man over any other man - I'm sold on that idea. What's more unnerving is committing to one man over myself, and consciously acknowledging a farewell to a life that revolved around me. 

It's weird to have such a clear distinction between one phase of life and the next. Tomorrow, we move into the new house, with all our stuff. We get to shop for furniture, play House, and all of that good stuff. And once that ends... *hyperventilating* ... it means experimenting till we figure out routines and comfort zones that can work for us. 

It's largely exciting... I've lived alone long enough to have a general sense of grocery shopping and cooking and being domestic and all that. I'm just going through a huge bout of 'what-if' ness. You know. What if I never figure out what groceries to buy for a week ahead of time and have to keep running back (which is probably not as cute when your wife does it as opposed to your girlfriend). What if I invite his folks over and something is missing or doesn't taste right or <insert seemingly irrefutable catastrophe>? 

And see, the thing is, I know I have this a hell of a lot easier than most people. Not only do I have a job that lets me work from home, but also I only need to figure out one meal a day for a while. And it's dinner so I have all day to figure it out. And the mister insists on a maid cleaning the house and doing the clothes and dishes, which are luxuries I never allowed myself when I was living alone. I mean really, life could not get simpler. 

But, but, but, what if - despite having the perfect husband, the perfect job, and the perfect domestic scene - what if despite all this I still mess up or take longer to figure it out than I should? I'll have literally nothing to blame but my own ineptitude. Sigh. Okay, wish me luck.

PS: Yes, I really am this uncertain of myself... I only seem like an overconfident prick. It must be the cheekbones or the eyebrows or something.

Top 5 Amusing Things About Being Married

1. My net worth: It's suddenly shot up, literally. I am now a gold hanger. I really need to up my insurance.

2. Now you see it, now you don't: I find my three mangalsutras have an instant aging quality about them. When I don't have them out in the open, salesmen ask for my mummy-daddy. I kinda enjoy flashing it at inappropriate moments such as the above, actually.

3. Peekaboo: Being married means that people who catch us stealing a romantic moment tend to avoid eye contact and blush on our behalf because really, what are they going to say? We're married, yo. Instant license.

4. Bleddyyyy: Two entire families are now avidly aware of when I get my period - in fact, travel schedules are planned around it. Not even kidding.

5. Baby fever: I'd literally been married for one night before our relatives gathered around for a fertility ritual. With reference to point 4 above, we now ALL know I'm not pregnant, but thanks for checking in.

Retrospective Wisdom

The wedding countdown's fully mocking me because my wedding day was probably the most depressed I've felt in ages. On the bright side, it's taught me to re-evaluate my relationships. I think it's better to learn at 24 who your real friends are so you can focus on strengthening those ties rather than generally diluting your time and energy over a wider pool and then realizing the pool's nowhere near deep enough to be of any use if you're planning to take a really solid dive.

I could talk more on that strain, but honestly it's over and done with and everyone else had the best wedding they'd ever been to, so... after much heartbreak and soul searching and thoughts of what I coulda shoulda woulda done, I'm just letting it go. Additionally, for the first time in my life I'm thinking seriously about cutting people out, which is something I've never gotten up the balls to do before, so I guess I'm feeling all empowered and all that. My husband (ha. haha. hahahaha.) is clearly a good influence. 

And most brides only get stupid hotcases and Ganeshas out of their wedding days, so I guess net-net, I still got more out of the experience than most. Plus, the marriage is awesome even if the wedding was my own personal nightmare. 

I also have all kinds of fun and funny marriage stories but those can wait for a time when I'm feeling less hooh! hah! (Johnny Bravo style) and more ha! ha! (in the manner of Johnny Lever). Is it my imagination or has two weeks of socializing with relatives totally Iyer'ized my sense of humor?