Chapter 2
Growth of a Business: A FlowChart
Context: Nailpolish coming off >> Unproper grooming >> Failure in business (or so we were told at a little-known college called IIM). Now, onwards.
1. Etiquette: Never hire women to serve puchkas; it's uneconomic to pay for their manicures. Hire men. Teach them to give 8 and get paid for 10. As for employee satisfaction and so as to ensure semen doesn't get in the puchkas, give them vibrator belts. Switch off power every now and then to ensure there's no OD. Government also happy, less taxes.
2. Consumer connect: Meanwhile, we guarantee consumers will feel an instant shock of pleasure if you will. The longer the contact, the more the - vibes.
2. Feminism: If women don't care about their nails (gassssp) we can hire them, put them in belts, the jiggle will attract more if there are no bras on. And the men will - bwaha - come alright.
3. Business: Harvard grads will write thesis about how puchkas survived without the etiquette lessons imparted by IIM - and with such great satisfaction. And we’ll expand P-U-C-H-K-A to mean.. erm. Something. We’ll figure it out.
4. Branding: Puneet, the husband, (dirty boy) with my vibrating mobile (you had to have been there) and the auto driver who first experienced the duo in Kolkata. If we don't find him, we'll hire a fake. When we're famous, the real guy will show up - and we'll pay a fake 'real' to get even more publicity.
5. Publicity: Thanks to the scandal caused by the above, we can then write a bestselling book (made into a movie) and thereby get on Koffee with Karan and seduce him and make ever more publicity out of the sordid love affair.
6. Medicine & Nobel: Intrigued by the effect I have on Karan Johar, doctors will examine our genetic and psychological conditioning to understand how the crooked-straight effect happened. And I will win a Nobel peace prize for spreading the love. And not the HIV. There, advertisements will happen like that. All for a good cause.
7. DEVELOPING India becomes DEVELOPED: At Christmas they'll sing puchkas the to the world, the vibrator has cum. Children will know what that means. Porn will no longer be the exclusive domain of Kerala, and the onslaught of desi porn from the land of the Kamasutra will RAISE our GDP and we will be the Aryan bwaha again.
8. Religion: God can now cum everywhere and not just in 'his own country' which is the only place his perversion was earlier entertained. Plus, we control God, so ahem, cough, we ARE God.
9. Fashion: Now that we are God and a household name, even Arabs will flock to us, and we'll redo their head gear 'cos dude wtf. And then we (and by this I mean Shwetha) will proposition them.
10. Music album & Political party: 'Cos we went desi while the rest of you balllllllless twats worked at MNC's, Shiva-damn-it! So we deserve a music album and a political party and we'll be President but it won't matter 'cos hello, we're God. The End.
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