Count Your Puchkas While They Publicize!

Chapter 3

Advertising: 'Cos We're Greeeeeat at BS

1. Phitness Puchka: For women, diet food - 'Mooh mein paani.' For men, steroids in puchka - 'Pump dat Puchka.'

2. Cricket Crazy: Saurav's going to sell Puchkas outside his restaurant on Park Street 'cos God knows he isnt doing anything anyway and people would rather eat at Peter Cat.

3. Bewdi Special: Celeb wives will wear capes (that's all, just capes) and pour tequila in puchkas and serve. Tequila will come from Peter Cat (dude, whisky for 85, go with my blessings and get me some back!) for free because we're 'holding' their customers for them - and vibrating too  - which means customer satisfaction, customer comes.

4. Age no Bar: For above 18, it's escort service; for below 18 its sex education; and for above 80, it's peaceful death.

5. Literary & Wannabe: Literary will get quotes on their puchkas like 'Not without my Daughter is by Betty Mahmoody.' Wannabe literary will get quotes like 'Die,' or 'Haha,' and be like woah dude, I can read though I'm not Mallu. Very apt for Bengali land btw.

6. Jaago Re Puchka: These will have things we say in the morning printed on them, such as 'Mmmmrggggghphg' and 'Fuck!' and 'Saala alarm.'

7. Seasonal campaigns: For Diwali, the Phataka Puchka with chillies - explosives in the stomach. Our caped women will wear those bombs instead of caps and the hoarding will read 'WE DA BOMB!' Plus Haldiram style gift boxes we'll hand out with 'EXPLOSIVE!' written on. And inside will be a leaf pamphlet on how explosives are bad and don't burst crackers and bust your head instead. And little dwarves (who we employ 'cos noone else will) will give boxes going 'No child labour! Have safe sex!'*

*Oh and I forgot, little dwarves are also to be at floor level for tequila blasts to make sure we don't waste any. They can catch on the tongue and recycle. Hey, people are vibrating.

8. X-mass: Apart from the Xmas jingle, why should Western Christians have all the Jesus and the red wine? We're gonna nail our vibrating cape women to crosses (yeahhhh, BDSM, baby!) and have them spew red sarayam and paan from their mouths. Purely decorative you understand. Who wants to go to Vegas when we have Vasanthis! (Plus, live action from Shiv Sena) - religions meet - universal brotherhood - the spirit of Christmas... sniffle.

9. Puchka for Dummies/Environment Friendly: Classes where you tell them 'Don't be a drip,' 'Liquidity quotient,' etc... and when they're done with their matka cups we put a little leaf and mud and say ok, now go grow plant and heal the world.

10. Hookah puchka: Because, when they're all high from being served an ecstasy loaded puchka by Bappi Lahri (the desi equivalent of Bob Marley) we'll shoot smoke pictures of Punnu (the husband) into the sky and they'll NEVER experience that kinda high anywhere else.