Twilight: Amavasya for Humankind

The top 3 wtf's that should make you want to rip your head off and chuck it towards the screen/book/girl (or boy) who's never going to grow up and have an orgasm if she insists on idolizing horny undead underage sparkly refrigerated mosquitos (aka Edward):

1. Paedophile - Carlisle chooses to give a hicky to (vamp over) a young underage boy during World War I. Talk about redefining wham-bam-thank you son. Edward, a hundred or so years later, decides to pass the hicky on to a barely 18 year old girl. Progressing in that annoying way future generations do, the next generation gets hickified by a werewolf before she's even a year old. Why haven't the feds taken this movie down for completely massively inappropriate child porn yet???

2. Skin cancer - Pale pasty sparkling skin is NOT sexy if you're not a 12 year old girl with her first tube of strawberry lip gloss. I suspect Stephanie Meyer couldn't afford a fake tan before she wrote the books and so she convinced herself that skin paler than Simi Garewals = not albino. If Fair & Lovely need new sponsors, they know where to look.

3. Manic depression - From permanently chagrined eyes (dude, c'mon, you're a teenager, your biggest problem should be acne) to multiple threats of implausible suicide from every character in this story, you're tempted to (a) shake them till their sparkles fall out their ears, (b) save them the trouble and kill them yourself, (c) AAAAAAAURGH. Either ways, someone please foot their bill for a shrink 'cos it's debatable who needs it more, any of the characters in the book, or George Bush.

The cure: F-U-C-K.

Can I just say, I really think the only way this book/movie/story/person adoring it can be healed and saved is if they all just start having normal sex with other people their own age who preferably aren't dead or permanently refrigerated tuna or whining about being too strong to put their genitals in you (psst, psst, he can't get it up Bella, move ON.) (Also, pssst, Bella, if his dick's cold and you want it in you that bad, just go get a pap smear done girl.)

PS: I clearly deserve a career in sex counseling. Also, I'd direct kickass porn films, where people would get to see some action, instead of other people pretending their weeners would explode your vagina and come out the other side. There's a clever trick for Rajinikanth's next film.