Welcome to Iyerland

Dedicated to kudumbam bonding, which hasn't happened in way too long. This piece was created with the noble intention of helping Iyers everywhere (particularly of the Abhiraman clan) liaise in marital relations with non-Iyers. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Some FAQ’s you should know about

1. What are your intentions?

Wrong answers: love, dating, feelings, relationships, living in, enjoying,  chumma timepass,  “getting a piece of that aasssssss”.

Right answers: ‘Securing a green card for your child and myself at the earliest,’ ‘Earning giant salaries to keep your child happy,’ ‘Getting married after a suitable period with your blessings because we are of course not pregnant and/or in a hurry.’

2. How long have you known my child?

Wrong answers: Hamesha and forever (this only works in Karan Johar movies) / since we first got drunk and made out / we’ve been seeing each other for the last seven years / she put the move on me / I’ve known her for the last 5 minutes and followed her home in the hope of finding idli-vadai here.

Right answers: There is no right answer. Good luck. (Do you still love us?)

3. When you say you have liked my daughter for a while, what does this mean?

Wrong answers: We’ve been getting busy together for a while/ it means I don’t like her any more/ I didn’t say I liked her! Who said I liked her? Don’t put words in my mouth/  I don’t like her, my parents told me I like her.

Right answers: For over 6 months, but looking only, no touching. I wanted your opinion first, since we live in the metaphorical 1860’s.

4.  How long does a marriage last?

Wrong answers: Ask Paris Hilton/ until we have our first fight/ until I find someone hotter/richer/more experimental in bed/ until we have enough money for me to grab half in the divorce settlement.

Right answers: For seven janmas, Until death do us part. Divorce and all happens only on TV. And even then, never to Iyers.

5. Are you Iyer?

Wrong answers: Haha no, I’m Golt/Half-Christian/Sri Lankan/Muslim/half-breed/ I’m not sure what I am really, are YOU Iyer?/ is that a gothram?/ are you going to honor-kill me?/ stop being racist!

Semi-acceptable answers: No, but I live a very pious life, with no meat, alcohol, smoking, and lots and lots of praying and temple-ing.

Right answers: Of course! /  I’m afraid not, but I have a Poonal and I’m not afraid to use it.