Mappillai Azhaippu

Mihipee and I were discussing groom-screening processes - since it seems unlikely the family will stop ineffectually thrusting them my way, I figure I may as well get my entertainment's worth out of it all. Here then are the possibilities:

1. Get all the maapilais to write a common entrance test (all dirty ribaldry in this post, including ineffectual thrust and this one, are fully intended btw). Potential questions include:

(a) Responses to swearing

(b) Ability to recognize sarcasm (note subtle demo, applause please)

(c) Endless amounts of patience in the face of my more or less perpetual PMS.

Plus a grammar round that will make Google's screening test seem like an LKG exercise.

2(a). My great-grandfather had two wives who were cousins, i.e.: he married the first one's cousin after she died (The first one died, not the second one. You can fault my family for many things, but not necrophilia. I don't think. Also, the second one died too, eventually. And so will you someday. But that's a story for another post.)

Anyway. I think I'll marry anyone who can respond with wry acceptance as I explain all the various twigs in the family branch (calling it a family tree indicates it branched out at some point: whereas really it's just in-grown weeds).

2(b). Mihir's contribution: Make the condition....listening to you tell it all while hanging from a rope over a croc pit, with the string loosened everytime they yawn.

3. Slot what's an absolute no (making me work after we're married), what's an ok-we-can-work-on-that (making me cook just because I'm not working after we're married), and what's a fine-whatever-have-it-your-way (... My ego and I can't think of anything that'd fit within this category).

Interview maapilais on these criteria, score them with different weightages for each bucket, and then ta-da, marry the guy the Excel macro says to. Macro Man. You can't go wrong.

4. I think I discussed this with Abhijeet whom I frequently torture with this method - first I'll get into my hyper active oh God don't EVER give this girl alcohol mode and ramble away to great glory for a full half hour.

This will be followed by 15 minutes of absolute silence making the man nervous and wondering if he somehow broke me because how else would THAT have disintegrated to THIS in that short a time? It's a lethal combination and a kickass way of getting men to commit suicide.

... Why bother with all this. Who knows any non-gay unmarried 28 year old Tamil Iyer guys with more ambition than me that are capable of conversing in English that isn't Tamil? Just find me one that thinks the Milka Wondercake commercial isn't the funniest thing since sliced bread, and we'll give it a shot.