Flutterbys

Like I was telling someone, I'd have thought the wedding thing through more carefully if I'd known it meant going offline for ten days. Not the marriage thing of course. Just the wedding thing. The marriage thing I'm unnervingly certain about for someone who's generally so obsessive and neurotic. He must be a keeper. 

Okay so anyway, long and short of it - I'm going all over the internet leaving 'last (fill-in-the-blanks) as a non-married person!' You know, kinda like territorial pee'ing, only longer lasting. So here it is then. Words of wisdom? I dunno, I'm more scared about not having access to email for ten days than about getting married. Seriously, easiest decision I've ever made in my life and I'm not just saying that because he stalks this space.

I highly recommend being in a long-distance relationship before you get married - then you get so excited about 'Oooh, we're meeting this Friday!' that 'Omg, we're getting married this Friday' just flies right out the window. Almost. 

If Only.

Now that the ordeal's done and we're back to normal breathing, here are all the ways in which Mahesh Bhatt's movie 'Haunted' could've just been avoided, sparing us all the trauma:

- If the annoying old man at the beginning (the one with enough money for a Reid & Taylor suit, but not enough for food) who knows all the answers to everything would just take care of the situation himself

- If Mimoh had realized that his realtor ass would get sued if he decided to stay at every single house he attempted to sell

- If any of the house's owners since 1936 had bothered to sell, replace or even shift any of the furniture, including but not limited to a piano that isn't even all that grand

- If Mimoh had ever bothered switching on a light in a house that's clearly haunted, instead of waiting for an angry Iyer ghost to come and do it for him

- If Meera had realized that it's simpler to let a piano professor rape her and leave her alone than to survive six days of rape from a ghost followed by eighty years of spirit rape

- If the piano-teacher-rapist-ghost Iyer wouldn't spoil the name of Iyers everywhere by pretending we're monogamous enough to enjoy eighty years of buttfucking the exact same person

- If the rape-victim-sparkly-ghost Meera had just not been a slob and washed out her locket instead of letting the rapist's blood dry up on it

- If Kishan, Kanhaiya, and all the other murdered chauffeurs, cooks etc, had realized their spirits could haunt the house for some added kicks, instead of leaving it to just Iyer and Meera

- If Meera's ghost had been less of a wuss.. I mean, what was she scared of now, death? No wait, that's right, she killed herself

- If the priest who said he'd 'pray' to keep them safe had just continued praying instead of getting up to check his wardrobe... and/or realized that Iyer would've been better exorcised by Andal anyway

- If Mimoh had just said 'Meera Meera Meera' instead of 'Iyer Iyer Iyer' since apparently calling someone by their name adds to their power

- If Mimoh had realized that given he could not only outrun a ghost and hold it down by its foot for five minutes when it attempted to fly away... he could pretty much just do away with it too

And the unero numo one-stop solution for getting rid of Haunted before it even started? If Mimoh had just turned around and shown the ghosts his superior 'dancing' or 'acting' skills, I'm pretty sure they'd have 'died laughing' and rested in peace forever more.

Sckrewfel!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't want to call this 'Random' or 'Arbit' 'cos too many non-special people are calling albums/posts/things that, so I'm calling it Sckrewfel instead. You know. 'Cos no one else has called an album/post/thing that yet.

... Are you starting to understand why the 'special' in 'specially abled' probably refers to me? And also, yes I know Shakespeare said what's in a name, but I mean look at his name and the fact that he was bald.. he was probably just jealous and repressed and did you know it was Freud's birthday last weekend, which, combined with Mother's Day, is just really funny? 

Moving on. I'm high!!!! It's been a while. I've been busy obsessing and being all blah-Bridezilla-y and otherwisely blearghy... but now we're 17 days away and okay, so 17 isn't 10, or even 15, but zomfgwahyowly'all, it's SEVENTEEN. I'm so excited I just want to eat all the cheese in the world and then wash it all up with some fried potatos and end with three zillion pounds of ice cream. 'Cos isn't that how we all respond to excitement? No?

Man I'm making so much sense. And here's a heads-up: this is exactly how much (not!) sense I'm going to make for the next seventeen days, wooooot!!!! Also, just so you know, in case you were worried, all that omnomming's happening in my head. I'm still a ring size four. I checked. HOW AM I GOING TO FIT INTO MY ENGAGEMENT RING???? 

... Okay so backstory: when he proposed, my finger was a size 9 (which in itself is small in a finger size, but it's also my shoe size, and in a shoe size a nine is HUGE but that's not the point except to say that it's SUPER hard finding sexy heels for a frikkin Yeti-woman). By the time we got engaged, it was a 6. Two months ago, it was a 3. So honestly, I'm really proud of myself for even getting to a 4. What the hell kind of freak loses weight on their FINGER? 

This is my last official 'single' week in the city by the way. Tomorrow's my last ever Agarwal Roti dabbahwallah lunch. Sniffle sob. Can you tell that I keep track of everything? I mean EVERYTHING. We've already celebrated our last single monthiversary, the equinox point between the proposal and the marriage, between the engagement and the marriage, between the proposal and when the marriage was MEANT to be (June 29th, btw. Can you imagine my being this high for another MONTH? Hello, spontaneous combustion), the last day in his old 'bachelor pad,' the day I bought the last sari for the wedding (incidentally, 17 dresses for 3 days?? Wtf yo), and numerous other totally sckrewfel but supremely significant things.

WOW. It's all DONE. For REAL. OhmyGOD. 

PS: Dear Bachelorette-Thrower: I hope you see I really don't need alcohol in me. I'm quite.. Akx'y at the moment.